thejohnnylama

My combination of good looks and a low IQ are no accident. I was genetically engineered by a bottle of Wild Turkey and a bowl of LSD-laced Columbia Red. My older brother suffered some side effects too. You should have seen his teeth before he had braces. He could eat an apple through a chain link fence.

Having grown up a hardcore second-hand-smoker, no one ever thought I’d be much of an athlete. Contrary to what the medical community believes, second-hand smoke is the equivalent to training at high altitude for me. Anytime I’ve got a big race or climb coming up, I visit my parents to get acclimated.

70% of my body is made up of Pepsi. I drink so much of it that I hope to one day win a new set of teeth in an under-the-cap game. Don’t judge me, though. I bet 70% of your body is made up of Starbucks.

I’ve sprained every one of my ball-and-socket joints learning to hot dog on roller blades; temporarily paralyzed myself trying to show off on my snowboard; and nearly had a burial at sea after going down the Niagra Falls in a barrel with my dog.

I love the outdoors and am always happy to share my stories about run-ins with the Jersey Devil, Yogi Bear, and old man Lippy. It’ll change your perception of M&M’s and Chunky Monkey forever.

Out of all the dangerous animals I’ve encountered in the backcountry, it was a 20-year old German Shepard at a house party that attacked me. He bit deep into my hamstring and ripped my pants straight off. The best part about it was he only had one tooth!